Seasons

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Life can be very hard to understand but when we can break it down into seasons we may find some understanding after all.

As I think about the seasons I can somehow relate to each of my seasons of grief.

At first, I didn’t think I could ever get past the pain.  I believed I would be broken for the rest of my life.  I didn’t think finding joy again was in the cards for me in this life again.

I can remember being scared to be stuck in that season of pain, turmoil, uncertainty and hopeless ness.

This was like winter for me.  A chill and a physical darkness as the days and days light are much shorter in the winter.

This lasted close to my first 3 to 4 months and slowly moving towards spring time.

I could see myself coming out of winter (a dark cold season) and slowly stepping into spring. 

Spring – a time of renewal, flowers blooming, birds chirping and the leaves slowly growing back on the trees that were once bare. I was beginning to find joy and happy moments in my second season of my grief.

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The first season (winter) never really leaves but it lingers and tucks away and every so often it creeps up again and that’s ok.  I learned to accept this new pendulum of emotions and feelings.

Spring was a little scary for me as I began to smile and truly look at God’s creations and I learned to trust and appreciate the beauty around me.

As I was experiencing this new feeling, I was also feeling a sense of guilt.  I felt guilty that hope had ignited in my soul and that I may forget my son.

I read many scriptures during this time to help me heal.

In Revelations 21:4 says: “He will wipe away every tear from their eyes.  There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the older order of things has passed away.” And in Matthew 5:4 “blessed are those who mourn for they will be comforted.”

I held unto these verses and knew God was not letting me go through this journey, these seasons of grief alone.

Summer soon came upon me and I am now nine months into my grief season and I could see how hope and faith was beginning to sustain me on a daily basis.

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Isaiah 41:10:  “so do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed or I am your God.  I will strengthen you and help you.  I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.” And in Ecclesiastes 3:1-4 ” there is a time of season for everything and a season for every activity under the heavens; a time to be born and a time to die, a time to plant amd a time to uproot, a time to heal, and a time to tear down and a time to build, a time to weep and a time to laugh; a time to mourn and a time to dance.”

How beautiful and reassuring is God’s promise and Word for those of us whom have lost.

I read this verse over and over and it helped fill my heart with renewed strength, faith, joy and hope again.

Summer – the warmest of seasons with the warm sun, blue skies, flowers and trees in full bloom is exactly how I was beginning to feel.  I was growing and blooming in my spiritual walk with God who continues to feed me with faith and hope.

Winter still continues to creep in but a little less often and it doesn’t visit for too long.  And when it does I am equipped with the power and strength of scripture to carry me through it.

Fall is here now- what is the meaning of Fall? What does it represent in my grief?

It was like reliving that horrific day when I learned my son had passed to be with Jesus and our Father in heaven.

The “I can’t believe its going to be a year” thoughts would come to me and I found myself in a state of depression.  I couldn’t believe how I got to this place and why?

The joy and beauty of summer was slowly passing and the days became shorter.  The trees began to lose their leaves and the flowers dried up and died as they prepare for the next season.

As for me, I felt like the tree losing it’s leaves.  The once colorful and strong tree begins to lose its strength and beauty and sheds its leaves.

That was me.  I was shedding my pain, my hurts as I wept much during that fall season.  God was cleansing me at least it is what I believe.  I leaned heavily on scripture and God to see me through.  In Matthew 11:28-30 says:  “come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, I  will give you rest.  Take my yoke upon you and learn from me for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls for my yoke is easy and my burden is light.”

This is what I needed to hold onto the most and soon enough Winter had come again.  No! No! Please I don’t want that darkness again I don’t want to relive that day and time again.  It is much to painful for me to go through it again.

I remember the month and weeks leading up to that one year of losing my son, how heavy my heart was and how dark my world became.

I was dreading the anniversary of his death. I became depressed again, tired, irritated more forgetful and and overwhelmed. You name it I felt it. I just wanted to sleep his anniversary date that left me here to feel heartache over again.

Truth is…it never really leaves you- you just get better with living with the pain.

We transform who we once were to become someone new as in what Romans 12:2 says: “Let God transform you into a new person by changing the way you think.”

God was definitely working on me and transforming me.

During my fall and winter session I found myself buried in scripture and prayer for God to give me strength and by the grace of God I made it through with many many tears of missing my son, missing his voice and hearing his laughter.

“I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me” Philippians 4:13.

Grief will always be part of my life and my journey but I know that God will always be there and light my path on my dark days.

I know now that I can do anything and overcome anything through prayer and trusting in our Lord Jesus Christ.

My seasons have now come full circle and I begin to bloom.

I bloom with more love in my heart, peace in my mind and heart, faith, grace, joy, strength and hope deep in my soul.

It’s not just what God my Almighty Father wants for me but also what my son wants for me as well.

I know he wants his mom to find joy and hope again. He never meant to leave me alone and broken.

If there is anything I have learned from losing my son is H.O.P.E. Hold On Pain Ends. For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans for welfare, and not evil, to give you a future and a hope. Jer. 29:11.

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“Blessed are those who trust in the Lord and gave made the Lord their hope and confidence.” Jer.17:7.

I Am Life – my son continues to shine.