My Gifts

I was just 19 years of age when my little brother at drowned at 14 years old.

He was full of life. Loved playing the drums and played in little league baseball. He was a short stop but could play any position.

I was just newly married a little over four months when the accident happened which involved my husband and my little brothers two friends.

It was tragic and my first great loss at just 19 years old. My life and my world felt like it had all collapsed in just a split second of time.

I was always a believer of God. Yes, I love God and I didn’t pray back then but I believed.

When Tony passed away I felt him all around me. His presence was all around. It brought me much comfort knowing he came to me often, mostly in my dreams.

I soon found that I was pregnant and when I learned I was about to be with child I realized God was giving me a gift. He knew I was so hurt and so lost that he gave me a son to fill my heart with love and joy again.

My son was born July 5, 1991, Michael Anthony Richman. He was to have my little brothers middle name “Anthony”.

Micheal as he got older was just like Tony his uncle he never met. He was full of life, played little league but he loved…music. So many similarities between the two.

The only thing I was not prepared for was Michael going on his own path. A path of destruction I knew nothing about. At age 12 he started experimenting with drugs which turned to heroine within 5 years and then about a 6 year battle with heroine and countless relapses, detoxes, halfway houses, sober houses.

It was a 13 year struggle, heartbreaks, anxieties, helplessness and many many sleepless nights.

In June 2015 Michael announced he was going to be a daddy!!! Whoa? What? You can’t have this baby. You can barely take care of yourself never mind care for a child.

He had a plan. A plan to get his life in order. He was going to speak to his probation officer and do “time” so he could focus on being a dad.

And so he did…just that. I had never seen such determination in his face before. He was finally going to be “normal” have a job, a girlfriend, a baby and life was going to be awesome !!!

Avaeh Lillian was born in March 2016. A gift from God a piece of my son. I fell in love the minute I laid eyes on her and to see my son the best I ever seen him in years was a blessing.

I was hopeful that maybe just maybe Michael was right. This is his new life.

The smile on his face, the way he looked at her was pure love. His eyes sparkled with glimmer and joy.

In two weeks time all of that love and hope was gone again…Michael relapsed and both of our world’s came crashing down on both of us.

Now what? I have a son who needed me to keep helping him fight his fight and not give up on him. As a parent we don’t give up on our children. We love them no matter what rights or wrongs they do. At least that’s what I believe and then this this new beautiful bundle of joy. Who brings, a new love and joy and hope into my life.

How can I manage both? I often questioned God. Why? Why, am I going through this? Why is he going through this?

Michael was persistent and a fighter and he did get some good time 3 or 4 months clean time and there was much hope again and again.

Then there was this one time, a new girl a beauty he said. Mom, she has got me twisted he said.

Twisted was right. He relapsed what seemed like every 10 to 15 days. He was out of control and I could not save him.

Michael lost his struggle on April 3rd, 2019 after being clean for 2 months.

How can I explain this loss? Simply, I can’t still find the right words to explain the pain, agony, heartbreak within me and my heart and soul.

The first year seemed like forever but yet so fast. The the pain and emptiness for the “firsts” of everything was so hard to get through but I did. Through the grace of God.

It wasn’t until his first Angelvesary that I realized something so deep and brought some understanding in how God works daily in my life.

As a believer all my life but not actually living in that belief I came to God for help, guidance and understanding. I spend so much time now paying attention to small details and interactions as well as blessings all around me.

Here is what I learned.

At 19 I lost my little brother and God brought me my son as His Gift.

God gave Michael his daughter as His gift that would turn out to be my gift now as she is a piece of Michael.

God doesn’t take anything away without giving us something in return.

I realized that the worst fear I had when Michael said he was having a baby was that God was going to take “my baby”

And that He did. He called my boy home to finally be at peace and be all he could not be here on earth.

Michael will never miss a birthday, a holiday or ever miss seeing Avaeh grow up to be the most beautiful gift from above.